I Left the Church, But God Came With Me
Last July I left the church.
It wasn't big and showy, shocking and gossip worthy. In fact most people didn't even notice I was gone. At first (more on that later).
It was a quiet night at my parent's house, emotions were tense, and with a dam-bursting sigh I said, "If the church as a whole thinks that what it teaches is the gospel, then I don't want to be a part. I don't really know what I believe, but I know that's not it."
A lot of people will look at my life and tell you I did a 360. I want to set the record straight and say that means I had to be going in the right direction first. I didn't even know which direction was right. I just knew that the way I acted on the outside to be considered worthy of friendship and respect was not who I was in honesty.
It's funny, until I left and someone started the rumor that I was an atheist and hated God, no one at church even knew my name. I had been attending for over a year, I played the piano, taught a class, even preached one week, and yet every week I'd have a lifelong member ask where I was visiting from. And every week I'd see apathy, judgment, and salvation by participation.
There's absolutely nothing that travels faster than gossip. Nothing. And suddenly everyone knew who I was. No one came to me and asked me about the rumors. There were three ways people reacted to this shocking news that the pastor's son was a heathen.
1. They changed nothing about contacting me. Maybe didn't even spread the gossip. Just did nothing.
2. Suddenly became very interested in my outward religious life. People who couldn't remember which kid I was before sent me messages saying "Sure do miss you at church!" As if coaxing me back to sit in a pew and be ignored again would save my soul, and they would have done their due diligence to return the wandering.
3. There were a handful of people who showed that changing nothing was a good thing. They cared about knowing me before there was gossip to cash in on, and for one reason or another I hadn't invested in their community like I could have. It was my fault. But these people didn't change anything about the way they interacted with me.
There was one morning where a friend with a husband and two kids called me up. "Hey, we're going on a short hike, want to come?" I was so hungover that breathing hurt the back of my eyeballs. But you know what I wanted more than sunglasses and silence? People. I needed people. And there they were, ignoring my lack of conversation and showing me what love looks like.
Another time my dear friend Mike, who's been on this journey before me listened for six hours as I told him everything wrong with my life, and how it's everyone else's fault. He genuinely wanted to spend time with me, no strings attached. Probably one of the only people at the time who didn't have an ulterior motive for spending time with me.
From the moment that summer I decided to be honest (showing who I was on the inside on the outside) and start with a clean slate to see who I'd become, I gave God one big, major way back in. I told Him if He spoke to me so clearly that it couldn't be anything else but Him, I'd do it. Right away.
But He didn't ask anything of me right away. I definitely wasn't ready, and to be honest I wasn't exactly listening for His voice anyway.
It took a crazy ex-girlfriend's sister's sane ex-boyfriend to get me in a place to listen. Colin simply asked if I wanted to go to church with him. In that pew, I had no possible way way to distract myself from thinking about the questions in my heart. People all around me were honestly, openly praising God. He was there and I couldn't avoid Him any longer.
He asked me to give Him one specific burden on my life. Just one. And I heard Him ask this in a voice that could have been beside me.
I haven't wanted it back since. All this time? I needed to give God the chance I wish so many people had given me.
People disappointed.
People acted like their exclusivity and board approved religious behavior was what He wanted.
People failed.
God didn't.
God listened. God loved.
God brought the church to me. And the funny thing? He did it through people!
He used people. That. That's His church.
It wasn't big and showy, shocking and gossip worthy. In fact most people didn't even notice I was gone. At first (more on that later).
It was a quiet night at my parent's house, emotions were tense, and with a dam-bursting sigh I said, "If the church as a whole thinks that what it teaches is the gospel, then I don't want to be a part. I don't really know what I believe, but I know that's not it."
A lot of people will look at my life and tell you I did a 360. I want to set the record straight and say that means I had to be going in the right direction first. I didn't even know which direction was right. I just knew that the way I acted on the outside to be considered worthy of friendship and respect was not who I was in honesty.
It's funny, until I left and someone started the rumor that I was an atheist and hated God, no one at church even knew my name. I had been attending for over a year, I played the piano, taught a class, even preached one week, and yet every week I'd have a lifelong member ask where I was visiting from. And every week I'd see apathy, judgment, and salvation by participation.
There's absolutely nothing that travels faster than gossip. Nothing. And suddenly everyone knew who I was. No one came to me and asked me about the rumors. There were three ways people reacted to this shocking news that the pastor's son was a heathen.
1. They changed nothing about contacting me. Maybe didn't even spread the gossip. Just did nothing.
2. Suddenly became very interested in my outward religious life. People who couldn't remember which kid I was before sent me messages saying "Sure do miss you at church!" As if coaxing me back to sit in a pew and be ignored again would save my soul, and they would have done their due diligence to return the wandering.
3. There were a handful of people who showed that changing nothing was a good thing. They cared about knowing me before there was gossip to cash in on, and for one reason or another I hadn't invested in their community like I could have. It was my fault. But these people didn't change anything about the way they interacted with me.
There was one morning where a friend with a husband and two kids called me up. "Hey, we're going on a short hike, want to come?" I was so hungover that breathing hurt the back of my eyeballs. But you know what I wanted more than sunglasses and silence? People. I needed people. And there they were, ignoring my lack of conversation and showing me what love looks like.
Another time my dear friend Mike, who's been on this journey before me listened for six hours as I told him everything wrong with my life, and how it's everyone else's fault. He genuinely wanted to spend time with me, no strings attached. Probably one of the only people at the time who didn't have an ulterior motive for spending time with me.
From the moment that summer I decided to be honest (showing who I was on the inside on the outside) and start with a clean slate to see who I'd become, I gave God one big, major way back in. I told Him if He spoke to me so clearly that it couldn't be anything else but Him, I'd do it. Right away.
But He didn't ask anything of me right away. I definitely wasn't ready, and to be honest I wasn't exactly listening for His voice anyway.
It took a crazy ex-girlfriend's sister's sane ex-boyfriend to get me in a place to listen. Colin simply asked if I wanted to go to church with him. In that pew, I had no possible way way to distract myself from thinking about the questions in my heart. People all around me were honestly, openly praising God. He was there and I couldn't avoid Him any longer.
He asked me to give Him one specific burden on my life. Just one. And I heard Him ask this in a voice that could have been beside me.
I haven't wanted it back since. All this time? I needed to give God the chance I wish so many people had given me.
People disappointed.
People acted like their exclusivity and board approved religious behavior was what He wanted.
People failed.
God didn't.
God listened. God loved.
God brought the church to me. And the funny thing? He did it through people!
He used people. That. That's His church.
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